Episode 1: The one Where Monica Gets a Roommate (Pilot)

THERE’S NOTHING TO TELL.

IT’S JUST SOME GUY

I WORK WITH.

COME ON.

YOU’RE GOING OUT WITH THE GUY.

THERE’S GOT TO BE SOMETHING

WRONG WITH HIM.

SO, DOES HE HAVE A HUMP?

A HUMP AND A HAIRPIECE?

WAIT, DOES HE EAT CHALK?

JUST ‘CAUSE I DON’T WANT HER

TO GO THROUGH

WHAT I WENT THROUGH WITH CARL.

OKAY, EVERYBODY RELAX.

THIS IS NOT A DATE.

IT’S TWO PEOPLE

GOING OUT TO DINNER

AND NOT HAVING SEX.

SOUNDS LIKE A DATE TO ME.

SO I’M BACK

IN HIGH SCHOOL.

I’M STANDING IN THE MIDDLE

OF THE CAFETERIA

AND I REALIZE

I AM TOTALLY… NAKED.

I’VE HAD THAT DREAM.

THEN, I LOOK DOWN

AND I REALIZE

THERE IS A PHONE…

THERE.

INSTEAD OF..?

THAT’S RIGHT.

NEVER HAD

THAT DREAM.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE PHONE

STARTS TO RING

AND IT TURNS OUT IT’S MY MOTHER

WHICH IS VERY,

VERY WEIRD BECAUSE…

SHE NEVER CALLS ME.

HI.

THIS GUY SAYS “HELLO.

I WANT TO KILL MYSELF.”

ARE YOU OKAY, SWEETIE?

I FEEL LIKE SOMEONE

REACHED DOWN MY THROAT

GRABBED MY SMALL INTESTINE,

PULLED IT OUT MY MOUTH

AND TIED IT

AROUND MY NECK.

COOKIE?

CAROL MOVED HER STUFF OUT TODAY.

All:

OH…

LET ME GET YOU

SOME COFFEE.

THANKS.

OOH. UGH…

NO. OH, NO. NO, DON’T.

STOP CLEANSING MY AURA.

NO, JUST

LEAVE MY AURA ALONE, OKAY?

I’LL BE FINE, ALL RIGHT?

REALLY, EVERYONE.

I HOPE SHE’LL

BE VERY HAPPY.

Monica:

NO, YOU DON’T.

NO I DON’T.

TO HELL WITH HER.

SHE LEFT ME.

AND YOU NEVER KNEW

SHE WAS A LESBIAN?

NO. OKAY?

WHY DOES EVERYONE

KEEP FIXATING ON THAT?

SHE DIDN’T KNOW.

HOW SHOULD I KNOW?

SOMETIMES I WISH

I WAS A LESBIAN.

DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD?

ALL RIGHT, ROSS, LOOK

YOU’RE FEELING

A LOT OF PAIN RIGHT NOW.

YOU’RE ANGRY. YOU’RE HURTING.

CAN I TELL YOU

WHAT THE ANSWER IS?

STRIP JOINTS!

OH, COME ON.

YOU’RE SINGLE.

SEE, BUT I DON’T WANT

TO BE SINGLE, OKAY?

I JUST, I JUST,

I JUST WANT TO BE

MARRIED AGAIN.

AND I JUST WANT

A MILLION DOLLARS.

RACHEL?

OH, GOD, MONICA, HI.

THANK GOD.

I JUST WENT

TO YOUR BUILDING

AND YOU WEREN’T THERE

AND THEN THIS GUY

WITH A BIG HAMMER

SAID THAT YOU MIGHT BE HERE,

AND YOU ARE.

CAN I GET YOU

SOME COFFEE?

DECAF.

OKAY, EVERYBODY,

THIS IS RACHEL

ANOTHER LINCOLN HIGH

SURVIVOR.

THIS IS EVERYBODY.

THIS IS CHANDLER

AND PHOEBE,

AND JOEY

AND YOU REMEMBER

MY BROTHER ROSS?

SURE.

HI. OH!

SO, YOU WANT

TO TELL US NOW

OR ARE WE WAITING

FOR FOUR WET BRIDESMAIDS?

OH, GOD.

WELL, IT STARTED

ABOUT A HALF HOUR

BEFORE THE WEDDING.

I WAS IN THIS ROOM

WHERE WE WERE KEEPING

ALL THE PRESENTS

AND I WAS LOOKING

AT THIS GRAVY BOAT–

THIS REALLY GORGEOUS

LIMOGES GRAVY BOAT–

WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN…

SWEET AND LOW?

I REALIZED

THAT I WAS MORE TURNED ON

BY THIS GRAVY BOAT

THAN BY BARRY

AND THEN I GOT

REALLY FREAKED OUT

AND THAT’S

WHEN IT HIT ME

HOW MUCH BARRY

LOOKS LIKE MR. POTATO HEAD.

I MEAN, I ALWAYS KNEW

HE LOOKED FAMILIAR, BUT…

ANYWAY, I JUST HAD

TO GET OUT OF THERE

AND I STARTED WONDERING,

“WHY AM I DOING THIS

AND WHO AM

I DOING THIS FOR?”

SO, ANYWAY, I JUST DIDN’T

KNOW WHERE TO GO

AND I KNOW THAT

YOU AND I HAVE

DRIFTED APART

BUT YOU’RE

THE ONLY PERSON I KNEW

WHO LIVED IN THE CITY.

WHO WASN’T INVITED

TO THE WEDDING.

OH, I WAS KIND OF HOPING

THAT WOULDN’T BE AN ISSUE.

…Elijarme la mano,

aquellos criminales.

Monica:

NOW, I’M GUESSING

THAT HE BOUGHT HER

THE BIG PIPE ORGAN

AND SHE’S REALLY

NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.

DADDY, I JUST…

I CAN’T MARRY HIM.

I’M SORRY.

I JUST DON’T LOVE HIM.

WELL, IT MATTERS TO ME.

Chandler:

SHE SHOULD NOT

BE WEARING THOSE PANTS.

I SAY PUSH HER

DOWN THE STAIRS.

All:

PUSH HER DOWN THE STAIRS!

PUSH HER DOWN

THE STAIRS!

ALL RIGHT!

COME ON, DADDY,

LISTEN TO ME.

ALL OF MY LIFE

EVERYONE HAS ALWAYS TOLD ME,

“YOU’RE A SHOE.

“YOU’RE A SHOE.

YOU’RE A SHOE.

YOU’RE A SHOE.”

AND THEN TODAY

I JUST STOPPED AND SAID

“WHAT IF I DON’T WANT

TO BE A SHOE?

“WHAT IF I WANT

TO BE A PURSE?

OR A HAT?”

NO, I DON’T WANT YOU

TO BUY ME A HAT.

I’M SAYING

THAT I AM A HAT…

IT’S A METAPHOR, DADDY!

YOU CAN SEE WHERE

HE’D HAVE TROUBLE.

LOOK, DADDY,

IT’S MY LIFE.

WELL, MAYBE I’LL JUST

STAY HERE WITH MONICA.

WELL, I GUESS WE’VE ESTABLISHED

SHE’S STAYING HERE WITH MONICA.

WELL, MAYBE THAT’S MY DECISION.

WELL, MAYBE I DON’T NEED

YOUR MONEY.

WAIT, WAIT! I SAID MAYBE!

OKAY, JUST BREATHE.

THAT’S IT.

JUST TRY TO THINK

OF NICE, CALM THINGS.

♪ RAINDROPS ON ROSES ♪

♪ AND WHISKERS ON KITTENS ♪

♪ DOORBELLS

AND SLEIGH BELLS ♪

♪ AND SOMETHING WITH MITTENS ♪

♪ LA LA LA SOMETHING ♪

♪ WITH STRING,

THESE ARE A FEW… ♪

I’M ALL BETTER NOW.

I HELPED.

OKAY, LOOK, THIS IS

PROBABLY FOR THE BEST.

INDEPENDENCE…

TAKING CONTROL

OF YOUR LIFE.

AND HEY, YOU NEED ANYTHING

YOU CAN ALWAYS COME

TO JOEY.

ME AND CHANDLER

LIVE RIGHT ACROSS THE HALL

AND HE’S AWAY A LOT.

STOP HITTING ON HER.

IT’S HER WEDDING DAY.

LIKE THERE’S

A RULE OR SOMETHING?

( intercom buzzes )

PLEASE DON’T DO THAT AGAIN.

IT’S A HORRIBLE SOUND.

Uh, it’s– it’s Paul.

BUZZ HIM IN.

WHO’S PAUL?

“PAUL THE WINE GUY”

PAUL?

MAYBE.

YOUR “NOT A REAL DATE” TONIGHT

IS WITH “PAUL THE WINE GUY”?

HE FINALLY

ASKED YOU OUT?

YES.

A “DEAR DIARY” MOMENT.

RACH, WAIT.

I CAN CANCEL.

PLEASE, NO, GO. I’LL BE FINE.

ROSS, ARE YOU OKAY?

I MEAN,

DO YOU WANT ME TO STAY?

THAT WOULD BE GOOD.

REALLY?

NO! GO ON!

IT’S “PAUL THE WINE GUY!”

HI. COME IN.

PAUL, THIS IS…

EVERYBODY.

EVERYBODY,

THIS IS PAUL.

All:

“PAUL THE WINE GUY!”

I DIDN’T CATCH

YOUR NAME.

PAUL, WAS IT?

SIT DOWN.

TWO SECONDS.

I JUST PULLED OUT

FOUR EYELASHES.

THAT CAN’T BE GOOD.

SO, RACHEL,

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO TONIGHT?

I WAS KIND OF SUPPOSED

TO BE HEADED FOR ARUBA

ON MY HONEYMOON.

SO, NOTHING.

RIGHT. YOU’RE NOT EVEN

GETTING YOUR HONEYMOON.

GOD…

NO… ARUBA.

THIS TIME OF YEAR,

TALK ABOUT YOUR…

BIG LIZARDS.

ANYWAY, IF YOU DON’T FEEL

LIKE BEING ALONE TONIGHT

JOEY AND CHANDLER ARE

HELPING ME PUT TOGETHER

MY NEW FURNITURE.

AND WE’RE VERY

EXCITED ABOUT IT.

THANKS, BUT I’M GOING

TO HANG OUT HERE TONIGHT.

IT’S BEEN A LONG DAY.

OH, SURE. OKAY, SURE.

PHEEBS, YOU

WANT TO HELP?

I WISH I COULD,

BUT I DON’T WANT TO.

I’M SUPPOSED

TO ATTACH

A BRACKETY THING

TO THE SIDE THINGS

USING A BUNCH OF THESE

LITTLE WORM GUYS.

I HAVE NO BRACKETY THING.

I SEE NO WORM GUYS WHATSOEVER.

AND I CANNOT FEEL MY LEGS.

WHAT’S THIS?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

DONE WITH THE BOOKCASE!

ALL FINISHED!

THIS WAS CAROL’S

FAVORITE BEER.

SHE ALWAYS DRANK IT

OUT OF THE CAN.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

ROSS, LET ME ASK YOU

A QUESTION.

SHE GOT THE FURNITURE,

THE STEREO, THE GOOD TV.

WHAT DID YOU GET?

YOU GUYS.

YOU GOT SCREWED.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

I KNOW.

I’M SUCH AN IDIOT.

I GUESS I SHOULD

HAVE CAUGHT ON

WHEN SHE STARTED

GOING TO THE DENTIST

FOUR AND FIVE

TIMES A WEEK.

I MEAN, HOW CLEAN

CAN TEETH GET?

MY BROTHER’S GOING

THROUGH THAT NOW.

HE’S SUCH A MESS.

HOW DID YOU

GET THROUGH IT?

HE MIGHT TRY

ACCIDENTALLY BREAKING

SOMETHING VALUABLE

OF HERS– SAY, HER…

LEG?

THAT’S ONE WAY OF

GOING THROUGH IT.

ME, I WENT

FOR THE WATCH.

YOU ACTUALLY

BROKE HER WATCH?

BARRY, I’M SORRY.

I’M SO SORRY.

I KNOW YOU PROBABLY THINK

THIS IS ALL ABOUT

WHAT I SAID THE OTHER NIGHT

ABOUT YOU MAKING LOVE

WITH YOUR SOCKS ON

BUT IT ISN’T.

IT ISN’T– IT’S ABOUT ME.

AND I DID…

HI. MACHINE CUT ME OFF AGAIN.

ANYWAY…

YOU KNOW WHAT

THE SCARIEST PART IS?

WHAT IF THERE’S ONLY

ONE WOMAN FOR EVERYBODY?

WHAT IF YOU GET ONE WOMAN

AND THAT’S IT?

UNFORTUNATELY, IN MY CASE

THERE WAS ONLY

ONE WOMAN FOR HER.

WHAT ARE YOU

TALKING ABOUT?

ONE WOMAN.

THAT’S LIKE SAYING

THERE’S ONLY ONE FLAVOR

OF ICE CREAM FOR YOU.

LET ME TELL YOU

SOMETHING, ROSS.

THERE’S LOT OF

FLAVORS OUT THERE.

THERE’S ROCKY ROAD

AND COOKIE DOUGH

AND BING CHERRY

VANILLA.

YOU CAN GET THEM

WITH JIMMIES OR NUTS

OR WHIPPED CREAM.

THIS IS THE BEST THING

THAT EVER

HAPPENED TO YOU.

YOU GOT MARRIED.

YOU WERE LIKE,

WHAT, EIGHT?

WELCOME BACK

TO THE WORLD.

GRAB A SPOON.

I HONESTLY DON’T KNOW

IF I’M HUNGRY OR HORNY.

THEN STAY OUT

OF MY FREEZER.

EVER SINCE SHE WALKED

OUT ON ME, I…

WHAT?

WHAT, YOU WANT TO SPELL

IT OUT WITH NOODLES?

NO, IT’S MORE OF A FIFTH

DATE KIND OF REVELATION.

OH, SO, THERE’S GOING

TO BE A FIFTH DATE?

ISN’T THERE?

YEAH, YEAH,

I THINK THERE IS.

WHAT WERE YOU

GOING TO SAY?

WELL, WELL…

EVER SINCE SHE

LEFT ME, UM…

I HAVEN’T BEEN

ABLE TO PERFORM…

SEXUALLY.

OH, GOD. I’M SO SORRY.

IT’S OKAY.

BEING SPIT ON

IS PROBABLY NOT WHAT

YOU NEED RIGHT NOW.

UM… OOH.

HOW LONG?

TWO YEARS.

WOW.

I-I-I’M GLAD

YOU SMASHED HER WATCH.

SO, YOU STILL

THINK YOU, UM…

MIGHT WANT

THAT FIFTH DATE?

YEAH.

YEAH, I DO.

I, Joanie,

take you, Charles

as my lawful husband.

Do you take Joanie…

SEE, BUT JOANIE LOVED CHACHI.

THAT’S THE DIFFERENCE.

GRAB A SPOON.

DO YOU KNOW HOW

LONG IT’S BEEN

SINCE I GRABBED A SPOON?

DO THE WORDS

“BILLY, DON’T BE A HERO”

MEAN ANYTHING

TO YOU?

YOU KNOW, HERE’S THE THING.

EVEN IF I COULD

GET IT TOGETHER ENOUGH

TO ASK A WOMAN OUT

WHO AM I GOING TO ASK?

ISN’T THIS AMAZING?

I HAVE NEVER MADE COFFEE

IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

THAT IS AMAZING.

CONGRATULATIONS.

WHILE YOU’RE ON A ROLL,

IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU GOT

TO MAKE A WESTERN OMELET

OR SOMETHING…

ACTUALLY, I’M REALLY NOT

THAT HUNGRY THIS MORNING.

MORNING.

MORNING.

MORNING.

MORNING.

MORNING, PAUL.

HELLO, PAUL.

HI. PAUL, IS IT?

I HAD A GREAT TIME

LAST NIGHT.

Paul:

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

WE’LL TALK LATER.

YEAH.

THANK YOU.

THAT WASN’T

A REAL DATE.

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU

DO ON A REAL DATE?

SHUT UP AND PUT MY TABLE BACK.

Joey:

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, KIDS,

I GOT TO GET TO WORK.

IF I DON’T INPUT

THOSE NUMBERS…

IT DOESN’T MAKE

MUCH OF A DIFFERENCE.

SO, LIKE, YOU GUYS

ALL HAVE JOBS?

YEAH, WE ALL HAVE JOBS.

SEE, THAT’S HOW WE BUY STUFF.

YEAH. I’M AN ACTOR.

HAVE I SEEN YOU

IN ANYTHING?

I DOUBT IT.

MOSTLY REGIONAL WORK.

UNLESS YOU CAUGHT

THE WEE ONES PRODUCTION

OF PINOCCHIO.

“LOOK, GEPETTO,

I’M A REAL LIVE BOY.”

I WILL NOT TAKE THIS ABUSE.

YOU’RE RIGHT.

I’M SORRY.

♪ ONCE I WAS A WOODEN BOY,

A LITTLE WOODEN BOY. ♪

SO HOW YOU DOING TODAY?

DID YOU SLEEP OKAY?

DID YOU TALK TO BARRY?

I CAN’T STOP SMILING.

I CAN SEE THAT.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU SLEPT

WITH A HANGER IN YOUR MOUTH.

I KNOW.

HE’S JUST SO…

YOU REMEMBER YOU

AND TONY DEMARCO?

OH, YEAH.

WELL, IT’S LIKE THAT–

WITH FEELINGS.

OH, WOW, ARE YOU IN TROUBLE.

I AM JUST GOING

TO GET UP, GO TO WORK

AND NOT THINK

ABOUT HIM ALL DAY.

OR ELSE I’M JUST GOING

TO GET UP AND GO TO WORK.

WISH ME LUCK.

WHAT FOR?

I’M GOING TO GET

ONE OF THOSE JOB THINGS.

HEY, MONICA.

FRANNIE, WELCOME BACK.

HOW WAS FLORIDA?

YOU HAD SEX, DIDN’T YOU?

HOW DO YOU DO THAT?

SO, WHO?

YOU KNOW PAUL?

PAUL, THE WINE GUY?

OH, YEAH, I KNOW PAUL.

YOU MEAN, YOU KNOW PAUL

LIKE I KNOW PAUL?

ARE YOU KIDDING?

I TAKE CREDIT FOR PAUL.

YOU KNOW, BEFORE ME,

THERE WAS NO SNAP IN HIS TURTLE

FOR TWO YEARS.

OF COURSE IT WAS A LINE.

WHY WOULD ANYBODY

DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!

I ASSUME WE’RE LOOKING

FOR AN ANSWER

MORE SOPHISTICATED THAN

“TO GET YOU INTO BED.”

IS IT ME?!

IS IT LIKE I HAVE SOME SORT

OF BEACON THAT ONLY DOGS

AND MEN WITH SEVERE

EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS CAN HEAR?

GIVE ME YOUR FEET.

I JUST THOUGHT

HE WAS NICE, YOU KNOW?

I CAN’T BELIEVE

YOU DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS A LINE.

GUESS WHAT?

YOU GOT A JOB?

ARE YOU KIDDING?

I’M TRAINED FOR NOTHING.

I WAS LAUGHED OUT

OF 12 INTERVIEWS.

YET YOU’RE UPBEAT.

YOU WOULD BE, TOO, IF YOU FOUND

JOAN AND DAVID BOOTS ON SALE

50 PERCENT OFF.

OH, HOW WELL YOU KNOW ME.

THEY’RE MY NEW

I-DON’T-NEED-A-JOB,

I-DON’T-NEED-MY-PARENTS,

I’VE-GOT-GREAT-BOOTS BOOTS.

HOW DID YOU PAY FOR THEM?

A CREDIT CARD.

AND WHO PAYS FOR THAT?

UM… MY FATHER.

COME ON. YOU CAN’T LIVE OFF

YOUR PARENTS YOUR WHOLE LIFE.

I KNOW THAT.

THAT’S WHY I WAS

GETTING MARRIED.

IT’S HARD BEING ON YOUR OWN

THE FIRST TIME.

THANK YOU.

I REMEMBER

WHEN I FIRST CAME HERE.

I WAS 14,

MY MOM HAD JUST KILLED HERSELF

AND MY STEPDAD

WAS BACK IN PRISON.

I GOT HERE AND

DIDN’T KNOW ANYBODY.

I ENDED UP LIVING

WITH THIS ALBINO GUY

WHO WAS CLEANING WINDSHIELDS

OUTSIDE PORT AUTHORITY

AND THEN HE

KILLED HIMSELF

AND THEN I FOUND AROMA THERAPY.

SO I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL.

THE WORD YOU’RE

LOOKING FOR IS…

“ANYWAY…”

ALL RIGHT. YOU READY?

I DON’T THINK SO.

CUT. CUT.

( chanting ):

CUT. CUT. CUT. CUT. CUT.

( cheering )

WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD.

IT SUCKS.

YOU’RE GOING

TO LOVE IT.

( “Star Spangled Banner”

playing )

THAT’S IT.

YOU WANT TO CRASH

ON THE COUCH?

NO. I GOT TO GO HOME.

YOU GOING TO BE OKAY?

YEAH.

HEY, MON,

LOOK WHAT I FOUND.

WHAT?

THAT’S PAUL’S WATCH.

PUT IT BACK

WHERE YOU FOUND IT.

OH, BOY.

ALL RIGHT,

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

Both:

GOOD NIGHT.

HMM.

OH, SORRY.

OH, NO. GO.

SPLIT IT?

OKAY.

THANKS.

YOU PROBABLY DIDN’T KNOW THIS

BUT BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL

I HAD A…

MAJOR CRUSH ON YOU.

I KNEW.

YOU DID?

I ALWAYS FIGURED

YOU JUST THOUGHT

I WAS MONICA’S

GEEKY OLDER BROTHER.

I DID.

OH.

LISTEN, DO YOU THINK–

AND TRY NOT TO LET

MY INTENSE VULNERABILITY

BECOME ANY KIND

OF A FACTOR HERE–

BUT WOULD IT BE OKAY

IF I ASKED YOU OUT

SOMETIME MAYBE?

YEAH.

MAYBE.

OKAY.

OKAY, MAYBE I WILL.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

SEE YOU.

MM-HMM.

WAIT, WAIT.

WHAT’S WITH YOU?

I JUST GRABBED A SPOON.

I CAN’T BELIEVE

WHAT I’M HEARING.

♪ I CAN’T BELIEVE

WHAT I’M HEARING. ♪

I SAID YOU HAD…

♪ I SAID YOU HAD… ♪

WOULD YOU STOP?

WAS I DOING IT AGAIN?

All:

YES!

WOULD ANYBODY LIKE MORE COFFEE?

DID YOU MAKE IT

OR ARE YOU JUST SERVING IT?

I’M JUST SERVING IT.

YEAH.

YEAH.

YEAH.

KIDS, NEW DREAM.

I’M IN LAS VEGAS.

I’M LIZA MINELLI.